Wednesday, October 28, 2009

From "Nickles Apologizes to Cheh With Flowers"

Nickles Apologizes to Cheh With Flowers

Hey, flowers always work when I call my woman "stupid" and "angry." They're stupid like that.

Politics in this town is nothing but sound and fury signifying nothing. All has turned to vain ambition. A thousand years this city has stood and now at the whim of a madman it will fall. The old wisdom born out of the west was forsaken. Kings made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living and counted the old names of their descent dearer than the names of their sons. Childless hipsters sat in aged group houses musing on charcuterie or in high, cold condos asking questions of the stars like "what does 'halfsmoke' mean?" And so the people of DC fell into ruin. The line of Mayors failed. The White Castle and the Little Tavern withered. The rule of DC was given over to lesser men.

And soon you will all beg for a merciful death after Peter "The Mouth of Sauron" Nickles starts a suspicious fire at the Reichstag, declares martial law, Senator Jar-jar grants the Mayor emergency powers over the Galactic Senate, and he climbs onto the podium with "The Rainbow Connection" playing in the background and delivers the most important speech of his career:

"The revolution is successful, but survival depends upon drastic measures. Your continued existence is a threat to the order we have restored. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. I, therefore, have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."

Anyway, don't blame me. I voted for Kang.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

From "Awkward Cranking Edition"

DCist Morning Roundup: Awkward Cranking Edition

Nice to hear that fat f**k Happy the Hippo is having a great time with his diseased whores. Like most celebretards, he's probably badmouthing DC as we speak. "Yeah, it's a nice town, but that crackhead is still on the Council. And you can't walk down the street without some hobo asking you for money or telling you that hippos should be on a leash. F**k that $h!t! I was so glad to get out of that third world $h!thole Isengard wannabe jerkwater burg. It's nothing like Australia. And it's "Daddy" you @$$hole! Where's my bourbon? Mmmmmm. Now it's dark."

It seems strange to have to lie about a world so bright and tell instead a made-up story from the world of night. I wish that I could really tell you all the things that happened to me and all that I have seen. A world full of people their hearts full of joy. Cities of light with no fear of war, and thousands of creatures with happier lives and dreams of a future with meaning and no need to lie, no need to hate, no need to hide.

No. Keep it dark.

DCist: come for the thought-provoking articles, stay for the wallowing in crapulence.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

From "Yet Another Metrobus Tragedy Edition"

DCist Morning Roundup: Yet Another Metrobus Tragedy Edition

If you think DC's streets are a bloodbath of Peckinpaghian proportions, just wait until Mary Cheh gets rid of all the speed bumps in town. In addition to being in bed with the CHUD and Morlock lobby, Mary Cheh continues to function as an apologist for lunatic suburban drivers, well known to be the Devil incarnate. Speed bumps, like "Deaf Child," "Baby on Board," and "Under New Management" signs, are proven to have saved billions of lives every year. Yet Mary Cheh, along with her subterranean cannibal and troglodyte overlords from the future, want to wind the clock back to that ghastly time when people payed attention to speed limits and Klingle Valley was the exclusive dominion of the horse and buggy carriage trade. Now, it's it's a decrepit culvert fit only for hobos, lepers, and surprise-surprise...CHUDs who've had their drivers licenses suspended. Why does Mary Cheh hate streetlights, safety, and our children? Why does she want to get rid of speed bumps and plunge the earth into a Second Darkness?

I'll tell you why. Something festers in the heart of Ward 3. Something that you have failed to see. But the Great Goatse has seen it. His Brown Eye penetrates stone, air, flesh, and press releases. Even now, he presses his advantage. You are all going to die! Slowly, and it's going to smell really bad! What is the City Council but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek and their brats roll on the floor with the dogs? The victory of the Insurance Claims Consumer Protection Amendment Act of 2009 does not belong to you, Cheh CHUDmaster! You are a lesser daughter of greater sires!

When given the choice between corrupt and stupid, choose stupid. Unless you're stupid, in which case, choose Jif.

This reminds me of the old Virginia Woolf quote, "Bi, gay, straight...too bad there aren't any good choices."