Wednesday, January 27, 2010

From "Important Speeches Edition"

Morning Roundup: Important Speeches Edition

There isn't too much more information about the [fatal Metro] incident, although Jim Graham is quoted as saying the accident "was a direct result of human error."
It's just absolutely horrific that all of these humans are now branded in this way having been tainted and painted with the same brush. Jim Graham's statement is callous, lacks specificity and, if true, demonstrates a failure on your part to act with all deliberate speed to protect the interests of our passengers. I urge you to immediately rescind this global indictment of humans and to issue a full public apology.

Which are you more excited for, the State of the Union or the Apple Tablet?
If the Jesus Tablet is anything like Apple's first releases, it'll be expensive (anybody remember paying $2,500 for a Mac Plus?), underpowered (Newton 100?), and crash-a-riffic (Mac OS 8?). I'll hold off until at least Jesus iTablet 2.0 with WiFi teledildonics and the moaning iVulva on the back. My "stylus" is getting a "Bluetooth stack" just thinking about it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

From " Whimpersnow Edition"

Morning Roundup: Whimpersnow Edition

Hunt said he estimates it would cost $500,000 to "sweep it out and turn on the lights"

That, in a nutshell, is everything that's wrong with America.

One of Fenty's frat brothers will win exclusive development rights in a multi-million-dollar no-bid contract. The City Council will demand a review of the contractor selection process, but will back down after Peter Nickles insists there was no wrongdoing. He will then send the contract to the Council as part of a collection of two-hundred other no-bid contracts and insist the Council approve them up or down. Council will cower in a corner and beg not to be hurt. Meanwhile, the Mayor will be out-of-town attending a fundraising fixie race for oilsoaked billionaire Middle Eastern perverts. Over the next two decades, the still uncompleted Dupont Circle Underground/Jim Graham/African-American Civil War Memorial/Cricket Cellphone Gallery becomes the largest hub of CHUD/Morlock activity on the East Coast, forcing the Council to issue a multi-million-dollar no-bid contract to Ghostbusters, LLC (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Fenty Frat Brothers, Ltd.)

The safety zone workaround seems pretty easy to me. Instead of creating "safety zones" where penalties are higher, the Council should just designate everything outside the "safety zone" as an "less-than-safety zone" where penalties aren't enforced at all. Isn't that basically what we have now anyway?

[Commander Salamander is closing???] See, I was never much into Commander Salamander. We spent most of our time watching porn and Bergman movies at the Biograph, trolling that record shop where the owner walked around town barefoot, or loitering at the head shop. And making 8mm silent movies in the old abandoned laundry plant that's now the cinema googolplex.

Chess King is alright if you're looking for a daishiki, but is no Up Against the Wall or Cavalier Clothing. Because nobody takes you seriously in this town unless you're wearing a lime-green three-piece, gold studs, and white Stacey Adams penny loafers. Straight UP.

[Is SMASH still open?] Nope. They're selling $5 cupcakes or gourmet dog biscuits or something. Hard to tell the difference sometimes. Hey! Hard? Biscuit? That's a joke, son! What's the matter, Dog? You look like two miles of bad road.

Who was it who said, "Punk died the day someone said, 'Punk's not dead!'"?

It's over, man. Let her go.

That white translucent black cape? Put it back on the rack.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

From "Business Time Edition"

Morning Roundup: Business Time Edition

My inaugural balls are always bouncing, from the left and to the right. It's my belief that my inaugural balls should be held every night.

[DC Fire Dept Over Budget]

1. Hire enough EMS personnel so you don't have to pay existing personnel overtime.

2. Put the Cathedral burning car rescue guy in charge of rescuing people from burning cars.

3. Place EMS employees who can't tell the difference between drunkenness and head trauma in an ambulance, get them loaded on peaceahol, and donate them to the Dominican Republic.

4. You DO NOT talk about EMS Overtime Club.

5. Answer Five.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

From "Sayonara, Supermajority Edition"

Morning Roundup: Sayonara, Supermajority Edition

Ha! Nickles gives the Council the fingeroo and the Council blinks. So much for administrative oversight. I give it another 18 months before an audit finds that all the contracts went to a single Fenty frat brother known only as "Shemp" and all the money went to a Cayman Islands offshore holding company, where it was used to stockpile ambulances, peaceahol, dome wax, Thai she-male hookers, Immodium, fixies, lycra and spandex, American Apparel body stockings, and Nexus-6 pleasure units, the standard item for military clubs in the outer colonies.

Okay. So the guy who got tased to death just finished a 10-year prison sentence, was a registered sex offender, addicted to PCP, living in a homeless shelter, getting kidney dialysis, ended up in the hospital for excessively high blood pressure, went back to being a serial shoplifter, and the cops were after him as a suspect for stealing a bar of soap and hair clippers. Can this get any more depressing? Why, yes it can! It's called "multi-million-dollar wrongful death suit."

You were the chosen one! It was said you'd destroy junkpunching, not join it!

*sniff* You were my brother, Monkeyrotica. I loved you. In that way. [demonfafa]

From my point of view, the Jedi are evil. Don't lecture me, demonfafa. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire. Don't underestimate the power IN MY PANTS.

Where is Molly!?® Is she safe, is she all right?

I'm afraid she died. It seems in your anger, you choked her with an American Apparel body stocking.

I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt her! She was alive! It's impossible! NOOOOOO!!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

From "Strange Days Edition"

Morning Roundup: Strange Days Edition

It's about time the GOP showed that the Democrats don't have a monopoly on womanizing alcoholic plutocrats.

Vote Quimby.

[The Post has become a shell of its former self.] Quit knocking the Post! What other paper is going to deliver 90% of its pages full of ads for cars and suburban real estate, two things that this region desperately needs more of? Somebody has to live in Prince William County! And just because they're illiterate is no excuse. There's still plenty to look at, like those delightful Mark Trail cartoons and those wonderful photographs of Obama looking thoughtful.

[Overwhelmed DC Service Centers] Isn't it about time Fenty appointed a Human Services "czar" to handle these perennial public aid problems? Someone who knows the plight of the destitute firsthand? Someone with a history of delivering the kind of "customer service" that DC residents have come to expect from their government? There can be only one candidate that meets these criteria, and he's right under our noses.

I believe a cabinet level designation of "Incontinent Hobo-in-Chief" is merited here. Along with a diaper or whatever equivalent DC's conflict-of-interest laws dictate. I suggest Marion Barry's desk drawer.

Friday, January 15, 2010

From "Nuptials Edition"

Morning Roundup: Nuptials Edition

Pappy always used to say, "When God takes a dump, he always opens a window. Now go down to the corner and get me a pack of cigarettes. And where the hell's my J&B?" I miss that guy.