From "Cold Shoulder Edition"

DCist.com Morning Roundup: Cold Shoulder Edition

I don't quite understand the blunt ban legislation before the Council today. Isn't marijuana illegal already?

Now, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like butter in my @ss and lollipops in my mouth. Life is about relaxing with a snifter of Remy Martin and Diet Coke, a bag of BBQ'in With My Honey Rap Snacks, and a pina colada blunt. You f**k with my leisure time at your peril. The old saw goes "Smoke blunts, not brothers." If you ban the delicious flavor of grape, apple, or bubblegum blunts, the resulting bloodbath will be on the Council's hands.

On the positive side, it's about time a new generation of drug-addicted teens discovered the satisfaction of making your own "bong" out of an apple. And isn't it about time kids spent less time throwing rocks at whitey and more time building bongs in shop class? I can still remember my first attempt at a U.S. Bongs knockoff that I called, "The Cthulhu." Two feet of PVC piping, a plexiglass base, an old tuba mouthpiece, some door screen, and a half dozen interlocking, colored Crazy Straw tubes. Bit*h to clean, but at least I had the satisfaction of a job well done for a baked 15-year-old.

After a few months, the tubes got all caked with resin and the pipe cleaners wouldn't work and it was time to let her go. So it was off to Earthworks in Dupont for my first glass bong. Here I learned the valuable lesson that stays with me to this day: glass bongs exist for one purpose only, to be broken by your friend's cousin. As I got older, and got a job and a clue, I found myself longing for the simple pleasures of getting baked and staring at album covers. You kids a pretty young, but you'd be surprised what an old f**k can remember. Take me for instance. There was one time we were out getting high in the woods with Old Cthulhu and we forgot to bring bong water so I had to pee in the bong. And you know, I don't think a month has gone by without me thinking of that bong full of pee. Yes, both money and time behave like loose quicksilver in a nest of cracks. Once they're gone, you wonder where they went! And what the devil you did with them!

Am I in my cabin dreaming? Or are you really scheming, to take my $h!t away from me-ee-ee-ee?
You'd better think about it. I just can't live without it. So please don't take my $h!t from me-ee-ee-ee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.