Thursday, December 31, 2009

From "Out with the Aughts Edition"

Morning Roundup: Out with the Aughts Edition

So garnishing that $7.50 an hour to pay back the people they robbed would be "cruel and unusual punishment," right? What do you call guys in wheelchairs robbing people at shotgun point then rolling slowly away from the cops? "Monday night on H Street." Maybe we can retrofit this guy's wheelchair with a plow so he can shovel off H Street. Maybe we can put Poopy the Magic Hobo on an all Taco Bell Volcano Taco diet and turn his soilage into muy caliente de-icing fluid. They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father or President Truman. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth-talkers... and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

My New Year's resolution? To put on a Molly® mask, Rorschach Underoos, and a diaper and drive around in a van with a talking dog and a stoner and solve mysteries.

No capes!

Now, a FRIED bologna sandwich, that's good eating. Almost as good as fried salami. It's like cylindrical bacon, all crispy and greasified. With extra mayo. Mmmm-mmm. If they served that three times a day in prison, the population would drop three-fold. Hell, just serve those deathrow last meals every day: burgers, pizzas, steaks, scotch eggs. You wouldn't need a death penalty.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

From "Progressively Scarier Edition"

Morning Roundup: Progressively Scarier Edition

I miss H20 and Platinum. Where do all the cool, skanky, hair-trees go to wait in line for table service? Because I can't get past the stench of Drakkar Noir and hooker heel failure at Park at 14th. Actually, they should call the place Double-park at 14th because it's practically a Eurotrash roadblock on Friday nights. But at least it's good to know that the Aryans don't have a monopoly on LNS douchey behavior. Vive le Douché!

Who remembers jello wrestling on 14th street?

I remember the tranny hookers on 14th, but not jello wrestling. Are you talking about the strip clubs along NY Avenue? Near where the old Greyhound Station used to be? The ones a certain baby-gobbling ex-mayor used to frequent? If so, my lawyer told me not to comment on the grounds it might incriminate myself.

The history of 14th Street NW is the history of migratory disease patterns and deviant sexual practices. In the late '80s-early '90s, the hookers that worked 14th north of Massachusetts were crackheads and occasionally junkies. Further south, closer to the "gentlemen's clubs," you had a broader range that would include trannies who would proceed to isolated areas like the Old Children's Hospital Site on W to tear off a quick one.

As for jello wrestling, you are probably correct. Drove past This Is It many a time in the 1970s, but we spent most of our time in Dr. Johnson's Marital Products Emporium on 9th, where the Spy Museum is now. Staring at the dildos was something of a traditional time-waster before shows at the old 9:30, and prepared me for club life in the 1990s.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

From "Marriage Made in Heaven Edition"

DCist Morning Roundup: Marriage Made in Heaven Edition

Everybody's talking about how the next Mayor of DC is either going to be Fenty or Gray. This gay marriage bill shows where the real power is on the Council. I think the turd in the punchbowl that nobody's talking about is right there in Ward 8. There you'll find a candidate with years of political experience, longstanding ties with the business community, a track record of dealing with troublesome neighbors, a history of smashing trade unions, and a hatred of homosexuals. I'm talking, of course, about Hitler. Now, I know you're thinking, "National Socialism? In this century?" But think about it. Has the particular brand of socialism the DC Government's been practicing been all that successful? I mean, look at DC's so-called gun control program. If you want a successful gun control program, you need to look to Germany in the 1930s. Unemployment? Crime? Nonexistent under National Socialism. And you can just forget about those irritating Frenchmen and Poles and dwarves and Jews and homosexuals and Jewish dwarfs and the homosexual Jewish dwarfs. Did I mention the Polish dwarfs?

Just admit that you'd like "certain" people in DC to just disappear: criminals; teenagers; people who can't drive, walk, ride a bike, or wipe their a$$; that jerk who won't put the phone down when they're ordering coffee; old f**kers who buy single sticks of butter with pennies; "those" people and their smelly cooking. Yes, I can feel the anger flowing through you. It gives you focus. The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant. Anyway, if Star Trek has taught us anything, it's that you can successfully use Mein Kampf to run a planet, just so long as your evil plotting henchman Melakon doesn't drug you heavily and use you as a zombie mouthpiece. And I'm sure that will never be a problem with any of the City Councilmembers, Sinclair Skinner, or certain fraternity members. Now, on your feet, Zeon pig! Keep your hands up so you don't touch anything Ekosian! And remember to vote Hilter für ein Besseres Meinhead!