Wednesday, September 30, 2009

From "Cold Shoulder Edition" Morning Roundup: Cold Shoulder Edition

I don't quite understand the blunt ban legislation before the Council today. Isn't marijuana illegal already?

Now, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like butter in my @ss and lollipops in my mouth. Life is about relaxing with a snifter of Remy Martin and Diet Coke, a bag of BBQ'in With My Honey Rap Snacks, and a pina colada blunt. You f**k with my leisure time at your peril. The old saw goes "Smoke blunts, not brothers." If you ban the delicious flavor of grape, apple, or bubblegum blunts, the resulting bloodbath will be on the Council's hands.

On the positive side, it's about time a new generation of drug-addicted teens discovered the satisfaction of making your own "bong" out of an apple. And isn't it about time kids spent less time throwing rocks at whitey and more time building bongs in shop class? I can still remember my first attempt at a U.S. Bongs knockoff that I called, "The Cthulhu." Two feet of PVC piping, a plexiglass base, an old tuba mouthpiece, some door screen, and a half dozen interlocking, colored Crazy Straw tubes. Bit*h to clean, but at least I had the satisfaction of a job well done for a baked 15-year-old.

After a few months, the tubes got all caked with resin and the pipe cleaners wouldn't work and it was time to let her go. So it was off to Earthworks in Dupont for my first glass bong. Here I learned the valuable lesson that stays with me to this day: glass bongs exist for one purpose only, to be broken by your friend's cousin. As I got older, and got a job and a clue, I found myself longing for the simple pleasures of getting baked and staring at album covers. You kids a pretty young, but you'd be surprised what an old f**k can remember. Take me for instance. There was one time we were out getting high in the woods with Old Cthulhu and we forgot to bring bong water so I had to pee in the bong. And you know, I don't think a month has gone by without me thinking of that bong full of pee. Yes, both money and time behave like loose quicksilver in a nest of cracks. Once they're gone, you wonder where they went! And what the devil you did with them!

Am I in my cabin dreaming? Or are you really scheming, to take my $h!t away from me-ee-ee-ee?
You'd better think about it. I just can't live without it. So please don't take my $h!t from me-ee-ee-ee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

From "Selective Enforcement Edition"

Morning Roundup: Selective Enforcement Edition

I've always thought that admitted pedophiles who slip 13-year-olds roofies so they can anally rape them should definitely not be prosecuted if they're really nice and make cool movies and send flowers to their mothers on Mother's Day before they slip them roofies and anally rape them.

It's not like this case was an anomaly. Roman got into Sharon Tate's pants when she was 15, did the same with Nastassia Kinski, and a whole slew of nymphettes for the past 40 years. Dude's a serial molester, albeit a rich, well-connected one. Sure, his trial was a kangaroo court sham and the victim wants the prosecution to end. That doesn't change some basic facts involving roofies, teenage anuses, and Roman Polanski's wang.

Age of consent in France is 15, y'alls. Gay or straight. Time to get me some of that cheese-eating surrender-monkey booty, a Royale With Cheese, and some fries drowned in mayonnaise. Yee-haw! Sell my pants, I'm going to heaven.

What, exactly, will be accomplished by sending him to jail?

Gosh, I have no idea. Justice?

Polanski deserves compassion because of (a) his age; (b) the long span since the crime occurred; (c) the fact the crime left little lasting impact; and (d) yes, Polanski's other gifts to humanity.

And the same goes for Nazi war criminals, particularly the anal rapist pedophile variety. Just so long as they were low-level Nazis who didn't actually put Jews in ovens and so long as they donate cans of pumpkin pie filling at Christmas.

And by "gifts to humanity" I assume you mean "his penis in an underaged girl's posterior"?

You know, if they found that Michael Kenyon was framed and that the real Illinois Enema Bandit was a senile geriatric film director, I'd still want him prosecuted. It doesn't matter if all those retired sorority girls forgive him and are actually glad that their colons are sweet and clean. It's the principle that matters.

Monday, September 28, 2009

From "Layer upon Layer Edition"

Morning Roundup: Layer upon Layer Edition

Wow. What a rush to judgment over what on its face seems like a "smoking Jumbo Slice." Far be it from me to come to Grahamzilla's defense, but just because he was caught on tape talking to an FBI agent posing as a taxi rep doesn't mean they actually discussed anything illegal. In the same way, putting an FMLN bumper sticker on his VW doesn't make Jim Graham a Communist, a fellow traveler, or an advocate of machete bludgeonings. Either way, I'm withholding judgment until release of the sex tape tape in question. With any luck, it will not contain any machete bludgeonings and by "any" I mean "a minimum of three, not including the cameraman."

It's kinda comforting to know that in these crazy, mixed up times, DC politicians are still being caught in FBI stings and people are still getting shot on Euclid.

Can't wait to hear Jim Graham mutter under his breath, "Hack set me up!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

From "Harbor Living Edition"

Morning Roundup: Harbor Living Edition

I just refuse to believe there's much a transit agency can do to prevent people from jumping in front of trains. By the time they're in the station, it's already too late. Know how to identify those considering suicide? THEY'RE ON THE F**KING TRACKS. Having the subway system try and prevent suicides is like having gun companies build suicide-proof pistols or rope companies provide instructions on how to prevent hobo stranglings

If fundamentalist Christianity, Holocaust revisionism, DC crime, and deconstructionism has taught me anything, it's that you don't need outdated concepts like "logic" or "sense" to get through in life. All you need is faith, a wheelchair, a shotgun, and a "lot" of "quotes." Here's a list of other so-called "historical events" that I refuse to believe ever happened:

1. "Slavery." Have you ever seen a slave? Owned one? Sure, you've seen DRAWINGS of them, and there was Uncle Tom's Cabin and that whole Civil War thing. But that wasn't about slavery. All those Africans were invited over. Just like the Nazis were invited into Poland. Check with France.

2. "The Great Depression." Another misnomer, this was nothing but the result of Dumb-o-crat Woodrow Wilson's attempt at domestic communism. Could have been entirely avoided by the aggressive capitalist agenda of such mental giants as Warren Harding and Calvin Coolidge if only they held out a few more decades. Instead, you get 12 consecutive terms of socialist pervert, FDR.

3. "The Moon Landing." This was obviously faked using puppets and stew meat.

4. "The JFK Assassination." He died in a downhill motor race.

5. "1976."Does anyone remember anything about a so-called "Bicentennial?" I sure as hell don't. I vaguely recall something about an American Freedom Train and some Tall Ships, but most of the screens in the Union Station Visitor's Pit were broken, so that might have just been an episode of Supertrain. And you want me to believe that "Disco Duck," "Afternoon Delight," and "The Theme from S.W.A.T." were Number One Hit Singles? And they say I have a limited grasp of reality.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

From "Sad and Sadder Edition"

Morning Roundup: Sad and Sadder Edition

So. Quadruple amputees, go-go violence, Metro suicides, sex abuse cases, stabbings, resignations, police crashes, and antiquated racist epithets? If that's the best you can do for Morning Roundup, please go back to delaying it until 11:30am, please.

Anyway, with the Tea Party protesters safely ensconced in their trailer parks and residents eagerly awaiting the arrival of the IMF/World Bank protesters with cartons of air fresheners, I feel this is as good a time as any to make a calm, measured examination of the intellectual and moral bankruptcy of the two-party system and ask the question that V.I. Lenin asked over a hundred years ago: "What is to be done?"

Let me be so bold as to predict your first question: but where's the poop jokes? I ask a minute of your indulgence. What benefits a political movement to "make its voices heard" if that voice falls upon deaf ears, or minds so intellectual undernourished that it stares slackjawed in a feeble attempt to grasp whatever tedious political point that's trying to be made? I ask only because of the inevitable ad hominem attacks that protesters engender in this town. Whatever vague message they want to transmit is all but lost amid the sound and fury of street theater and marionette puppets and the juvenile antics of the so-called anarchists. "Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals" a wise man wrote on the side of a toilet, which, in lieu of what passes for current political discourse, I would amend to "...bong hit of the pseudointellectuals."

More's the pity that the intellectual giants behind these two (bowel) movements could not meet on the field of battle to exchange withering critiques, witty bon mots, and hilarious japes about the merits of trade unionism versus laissez-faire capitalism! Instead, we're treated to a sort of vague anti-establishmentism couched in terms of either patriotism-cum-jingoism or the tired, shopworn arguments that all property is theft. All of which serves to only marginalize whatever legitimate arguments either side could make about the expansion of government power and the lack of transparency among international financial institutions that borders on total opacity.

Considering the lack of a positive agenda that the right advances in lieu of the healthcare "debate," it ill behooves me to make such broad critiques without positing some alternative scenario. What follows is my Five Year Plan for Economic Justice:

1. Cut defense spending in half. Why should Americans kill Iraqis when Iraqis can do this for themselves? Put the National Guard to work rebuilding the levees and patrolling the streets of DC. The only way to meet the threat of wheelchair-bound double-amputees with shotguns is with Marine Corps snipers and heavy artillery.
2. Cut the marginal tax rate to Reagan-era levels. Twenty-nine years of creeping socialism and corporate welfare have resulted in a tanked economy, morbid obesity, and golden parachutes for corporate necrophiles. The only golden thing Bear Stearns execs should be getting is showers.
3. Cease all highway construction and redirect funds towards mass transit. If induced demand has taught us anything, it's that if you build a world-class Japanese Bullet Train, people will use it. This will spur the infill expansion of walkable communities to keep Fatty McFatFat from becoming Corpsy McDeadDead.
4. Annex Mexico, declare it the 51st State, and grant statehood to the District. This effectively eliminates 80% of the illegal immigration problem as well as that of having one extra star sticking out of the American flag. You also will finally start to get some decent Oaxacan cuisine in this dump.
5. Destroy all monsters. This should be self evident.

I know these views aren't popular, but I for one have never courted popularity. When their enemies were at the gates, the Romans suspended democracy and appointed one man to defend it. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan.