From "Sayonara, Supermajority Edition"

Morning Roundup: Sayonara, Supermajority Edition

Ha! Nickles gives the Council the fingeroo and the Council blinks. So much for administrative oversight. I give it another 18 months before an audit finds that all the contracts went to a single Fenty frat brother known only as "Shemp" and all the money went to a Cayman Islands offshore holding company, where it was used to stockpile ambulances, peaceahol, dome wax, Thai she-male hookers, Immodium, fixies, lycra and spandex, American Apparel body stockings, and Nexus-6 pleasure units, the standard item for military clubs in the outer colonies.

Okay. So the guy who got tased to death just finished a 10-year prison sentence, was a registered sex offender, addicted to PCP, living in a homeless shelter, getting kidney dialysis, ended up in the hospital for excessively high blood pressure, went back to being a serial shoplifter, and the cops were after him as a suspect for stealing a bar of soap and hair clippers. Can this get any more depressing? Why, yes it can! It's called "multi-million-dollar wrongful death suit."

You were the chosen one! It was said you'd destroy junkpunching, not join it!

*sniff* You were my brother, Monkeyrotica. I loved you. In that way. [demonfafa]

From my point of view, the Jedi are evil. Don't lecture me, demonfafa. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire. Don't underestimate the power IN MY PANTS.

Where is Molly!?® Is she safe, is she all right?

I'm afraid she died. It seems in your anger, you choked her with an American Apparel body stocking.

I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt her! She was alive! It's impossible! NOOOOOO!!!

From "Nickles Apologizes to Cheh With Flowers"

Nickles Apologizes to Cheh With Flowers

Hey, flowers always work when I call my woman "stupid" and "angry." They're stupid like that.

Politics in this town is nothing but sound and fury signifying nothing. All has turned to vain ambition. A thousand years this city has stood and now at the whim of a madman it will fall. The old wisdom born out of the west was forsaken. Kings made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living and counted the old names of their descent dearer than the names of their sons. Childless hipsters sat in aged group houses musing on charcuterie or in high, cold condos asking questions of the stars like "what does 'halfsmoke' mean?" And so the people of DC fell into ruin. The line of Mayors failed. The White Castle and the Little Tavern withered. The rule of DC was given over to lesser men.

And soon you will all beg for a merciful death after Peter "The Mouth of Sauron" Nickles starts a suspicious fire at the Reichstag, declares martial law, Senator Jar-jar grants the Mayor emergency powers over the Galactic Senate, and he climbs onto the podium with "The Rainbow Connection" playing in the background and delivers the most important speech of his career:

"The revolution is successful, but survival depends upon drastic measures. Your continued existence is a threat to the order we have restored. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. I, therefore, have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."

Anyway, don't blame me. I voted for Kang.