From "Georgetown Traffic Mess Edition"

Morning Roundup: Georgetown Traffic Mess Edition

If they were to close every bridge that just happened to have a dead body under it, they'd have to shut down most of downtown DC which, come to think of it, isn't a bad idea. Just so long as they keep the bike lanes open and put out the occasional out-of-control hobo fire.

In a statement, the WHS said "most of the allegations" in the report were investigated and "proven completely without merit."

Translation: We hired a former investigator and full-time hobo arsonist and paid him three dead gasoline-soaked dogs so we could whitewash the story, only to have him confirm that 49% of the allegations were true.

The Director of the Washington Humane Society moved to have the hobo's investigator's license pulled. However, the Migrant Investigators Union (Pyromaniacs Local #187) filed a protest. During negotiations with the union, the hobo in question was re-hired at double the gasoline-soaked-dog rate. The Director's office was subsequently destroyed in a mysterious dog-related fire that investigators blamed on faulty wiring. PEPCO Electricians Union (Bunch of Guys Just Standing Around Local #187) moved to have the results of the investigation stricken from the record and replaced by "force majeure."