From "Harbor Living Edition"

Morning Roundup: Harbor Living Edition

I just refuse to believe there's much a transit agency can do to prevent people from jumping in front of trains. By the time they're in the station, it's already too late. Know how to identify those considering suicide? THEY'RE ON THE F**KING TRACKS. Having the subway system try and prevent suicides is like having gun companies build suicide-proof pistols or rope companies provide instructions on how to prevent hobo stranglings

If fundamentalist Christianity, Holocaust revisionism, DC crime, and deconstructionism has taught me anything, it's that you don't need outdated concepts like "logic" or "sense" to get through in life. All you need is faith, a wheelchair, a shotgun, and a "lot" of "quotes." Here's a list of other so-called "historical events" that I refuse to believe ever happened:

1. "Slavery." Have you ever seen a slave? Owned one? Sure, you've seen DRAWINGS of them, and there was Uncle Tom's Cabin and that whole Civil War thing. But that wasn't about slavery. All those Africans were invited over. Just like the Nazis were invited into Poland. Check with France.

2. "The Great Depression." Another misnomer, this was nothing but the result of Dumb-o-crat Woodrow Wilson's attempt at domestic communism. Could have been entirely avoided by the aggressive capitalist agenda of such mental giants as Warren Harding and Calvin Coolidge if only they held out a few more decades. Instead, you get 12 consecutive terms of socialist pervert, FDR.

3. "The Moon Landing." This was obviously faked using puppets and stew meat.

4. "The JFK Assassination." He died in a downhill motor race.

5. "1976."Does anyone remember anything about a so-called "Bicentennial?" I sure as hell don't. I vaguely recall something about an American Freedom Train and some Tall Ships, but most of the screens in the Union Station Visitor's Pit were broken, so that might have just been an episode of Supertrain. And you want me to believe that "Disco Duck," "Afternoon Delight," and "The Theme from S.W.A.T." were Number One Hit Singles? And they say I have a limited grasp of reality.